~i~ Penny (icefish) wrote,
~i~ Penny

  • Mood:

stradling the void

i stand between two great masses of land
teatering over a vast expance of nothingness.

im looking from one side to the other
and trying to figure out, exactly where i stand.

should i jump across the void completely
and risk falling into oblivian

or will i stand here forever
swaying between two choices
and sacrifice the option of delving further into either of them?

how can i walk away from this world
this society of the spectical
and still remain the person i was

and how then can i remain
knowing the person ive become,
having learned what i know now...

i know for sure that
nothing i do will EVER be the same,
nothing i think will EVER be the same.

i cannot look back and yet
i cannot look forward
and forsake everything ive ever been.
everything youve come to depend on.

the yearning is tearing me up inside.
the day is comming when i can no longer hide this from the rest of the world.

while my family knows, sees where i am headed,
feels the changes and takes them on with vairing degrees of acceptance
and pain
how, how, can i do that with the rest of the world?

the rest of the world, which i am to return to
when i leave my nest,
push out my baby birds into the world and allow them to grow elsewhere
when i leave my nest
and go back to school

a school witch will require me to use this machine,
a school witch will require me to use my email
and my telephone
and to make money
and to live in this world and be part of it

oh no, the irony hasnt excaped me that i am using this medium to express my destress
that i am sharing with you my feelings of loathing for the very thing i am taking part to share those feelings with you

but doesnt this just inhance my plee?
one foot on one side, and one foot on the other.

well, its more than this contraption but i have a tendency to condence.
its all of it
and the complete inability i have to pull myself out of that life,
the lie, and into the one i wish to create for myself.

this is a horrible torture
it is a wonderful relief
and i cannot ignore
i cannot look beyond
i am captured in this place.
overlooking the void.
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