and fear sets in
without the escape there is only
staring back into the expance
that was written i dont even know when ago, several months at least.
anyway, i dont even know what to say, i really never know what to say anymore, im just enjoying the way the keys move under my fingers and the way that i know exactly where each letter is without looking. ok, i admit im a bit rusty but its still enjoyable.
im afraid of things, big things, changes and constant things alike which threaten to put me into flux and throw me sharply out of it as well. it doesnt seem to matter, i chose these things, some of them, but the sick part is i cant really seem to figure out my own mind on them, decipher my own feelings.
more vagueness right? well, i find myself incapable of revieling true issues, even if that should mean finding true answers. but at least ive got myself a little free time at the library today.
its like having a vacation, a mini one, or actually, its like going to work for my sanity to be away from others who need me, need me, need me, if even for a moment.
im alone. that isnt true, for real of course, but i long for society, even through my frightened state. because truely im afraid of making friends but im trying to find out why? i have before, ive had an interest in something before.... now my interests are in creating, which ive found that knitting usually revolves around old people, or children just starting to learn which... children, there are enough of those in my life at the moment
and i love them, love them beyond reason but here i am on the other side of childhood longing for it again. what fun we had, i can see now. how free we were, how, unscripted.
days are written out now, long in advance. i have to know everything thats happening, before its happening or it either... wont happen, or something unplanned will happen which could end up much worse for wear.... unplanned events used to be exciting, or at least i used to think they were...
that isnt entirely true either i supose but there is definately an undeniable turn around in there somewhere. cant be ignored. well, this is fun isnt it.
my fingers can make my thoughts appear before me. no wonder there are so many books being published... even though it seems nothing new can truely exist anymore, we keep trying dont we? isnt that the human way? i dont know. what do you think about pets. im tinking about an iguana but im not sure, i want something my kids can connect with and i cant get a dog or cat. wouldnt really want one anyway. thats just asking for trouble anyway, for fights and work and problems. but something that doeant need to go outside. something that doeant leave fur around the house or infact eat flesh... maybe.
well, i just looked it up a bit and it looks like ill need to do a lot of reading. its alright, its not like i was planning on tomorrow or anything..
anyway, im alone at the library, i better get of the computer and go look at books! YAY!