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~i~ Penny's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2013-06-06 15:32
Subject:withdrawl.... does anyone find it a bit creepy that drafts are being saved for several months on LJ?
Security:Public
Mood: drained

shaking in the skin
heart quickens
and fear sets in
without release
without the escape there is only
me
staring back into the expance
of humanity


that was written i dont even know when ago, several months at least.

anyway, i dont even know what to say, i really never know what to say anymore, im just enjoying the way the keys move under my fingers and the way that i know exactly where each letter is without looking. ok, i admit im a bit rusty but its still enjoyable.

im afraid of things, big things, changes and constant things alike which threaten to put me into flux and throw me sharply out of it as well. it doesnt seem to matter, i chose these things, some of them, but the sick part is i cant really seem to figure out my own mind on them, decipher my own feelings.

more vagueness right? well, i find myself incapable of revieling true issues, even if that should mean finding true answers. but at least ive got myself a little free time at the library today.

its like having a vacation, a mini one, or actually, its like going to work for my sanity to be away from others who need me, need me, need me, if even for a moment.

im alone. that isnt true, for real of course, but i long for society, even through my frightened state. because truely im afraid of making friends but im trying to find out why? i have before, ive had an interest in something before.... now my interests are in creating, which ive found that knitting usually revolves around old people, or children just starting to learn which... children, there are enough of those in my life at the moment

and i love them, love them beyond reason but here i am on the other side of childhood longing for it again. what fun we had, i can see now. how free we were, how, unscripted.

days are written out now, long in advance. i have to know everything thats happening, before its happening or it either... wont happen, or something unplanned will happen which could end up much worse for wear.... unplanned events used to be exciting, or at least i used to think they were...

that isnt entirely true either i supose but there is definately an undeniable turn around in there somewhere. cant be ignored. well, this is fun isnt it.

my fingers can make my thoughts appear before me. no wonder there are so many books being published... even though it seems nothing new can truely exist anymore, we keep trying dont we? isnt that the human way? i dont know. what do you think about pets. im tinking about an iguana but im not sure, i want something my kids can connect with and i cant get a dog or cat. wouldnt really want one anyway. thats just asking for trouble anyway, for fights and work and problems. but something that doeant need to go outside. something that doeant leave fur around the house or infact eat flesh... maybe.

well, i just looked it up a bit and it looks like ill need to do a lot of reading. its alright, its not like i was planning on tomorrow or anything..

anyway, im alone at the library, i better get of the computer and go look at books! YAY!

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Date:2012-12-02 22:22
Subject:stradling the void
Security:Public
Mood: drained

i stand between two great masses of land
teatering over a vast expance of nothingness.

im looking from one side to the other
and trying to figure out, exactly where i stand.

should i jump across the void completely
and risk falling into oblivian

or will i stand here forever
swaying between two choices
and sacrifice the option of delving further into either of them?

how can i walk away from this world
this society of the spectical
and still remain the person i was

and how then can i remain
knowing the person ive become,
having learned what i know now...

i know for sure that
nothing i do will EVER be the same,
nothing i think will EVER be the same.

i cannot look back and yet
i cannot look forward
and forsake everything ive ever been.
everything youve come to depend on.

the yearning is tearing me up inside.
the day is comming when i can no longer hide this from the rest of the world.

while my family knows, sees where i am headed,
feels the changes and takes them on with vairing degrees of acceptance
and pain
how, how, can i do that with the rest of the world?

the rest of the world, which i am to return to
when i leave my nest,
push out my baby birds into the world and allow them to grow elsewhere
when i leave my nest
and go back to school

a school witch will require me to use this machine,
a school witch will require me to use my email
and my telephone
and to make money
and to live in this world and be part of it

oh no, the irony hasnt excaped me that i am using this medium to express my destress
that i am sharing with you my feelings of loathing for the very thing i am taking part to share those feelings with you

but doesnt this just inhance my plee?
one foot on one side, and one foot on the other.

well, its more than this contraption but i have a tendency to condence.
its all of it
and the complete inability i have to pull myself out of that life,
the lie, and into the one i wish to create for myself.

this is a horrible torture
it is a wonderful relief
and i cannot ignore
i cannot look beyond
i am captured in this place.
overlooking the void.

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Date:2012-11-20 19:28
Subject:Ironic
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy

christianity.

i dont have time to elaborate but that should cover it anyway.

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Date:2012-10-12 09:02
Subject:fucken
Security:Public

fucken kids in streets
and family ties
and legecies
and fucking materializing sin and
god damn calenders
and men!

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Date:2012-10-06 11:20
Subject:frustration
Security:Public

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ah, thats better.

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Date:2012-09-30 09:22
Subject:under the surface
Security:Public
Mood: annoyed

under the surface,
and animosity grows
it grows a
nd festers
and is out of control

screaming through doors and silent
through the wall
whenever you cant see
or hear
thats when ill be
screaming at you

why
by the way

why is it so
dual in equal parts
of love and hate
misunderstood and
finally
i cant breath

the love of missing
exactly what is best for
the future

the grind of minds
not coping
not to cope in the dark
and you are able to do
what i cant
damning myself to
hell

what a sight.

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Date:2012-09-29 22:25
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: drunk

so i sit and watch tv
because i cannot hurt anyone but me,
alone in a false reality

it isnt about me, or you
its about them.
the others
the children
the brothers
the lost souls
of the universe who
cant find freedom
in a few hours of
company
and no one can.
itss about....
freedom in a few hours of
lostsssss soul
bliss
and no one can
compair to the way
weve lost
ourselves in
undue
reality.
that wor
d

haunts me
free range
free words
there is no one else but me
here
sitting here
infront of this redicouslouy
screen
and you are probably out there
sitting infront of yourse
so it
makes us feel
connected
when were miles apart
when were miles apart
when we oculd all be in the same place
but that isnt good enough
nothing is is it?

nothing will ever bee good enough
no BEES!!!
and no TREES!!!!
and this is what this redicousluojas
need is
to communicate
that drives us until its too late
and too tired
and too unreal
and here we are
in our adult bodies
moping like
children
because we didnt get those few minutes
of what we wanted
RIGHT NOW>

it isnt about whats good or right
or what we got ten minutes ago
its about NOW
and we are all lost in this
psychopathic need to find
release
to find the answer
but we know what it is dont we/.?????

dont wee?????
yes. we know what it is
it is humanity.

if we could let go of we
if we could let go of me
of mine
then maybe...
then mahybe...
but here i sit at this redicould
box
at his screen
hoppeing that you can see me
but you cant can you???
you cant can you//???
no!! NO!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
we cant see eachother. and these are just words
and this is words and this is just....
meaningless but i want
i want


i want to have


meaning in these words.
i want to connect with you
you who cannot help
but move away from this...
who cannot help but move away
and beking gove and being gone... and gone being

that there is not being

mabus. mavis.... what if this is it.??? and everyone is missing it
because they are busy using it
to find a mass murderer
to find a mastermind
when really
it is we.

killing everyone beacuse
we are not content
to be

here with our own family
and we ignore...
and give high ACES score

to the nexxt generation, inadverntly..... holy shit

and that is me.

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Date:2012-09-09 21:58
Subject:away
Security:Public
Mood: cold

away you go
out of here
growing up
on your own
and im left here
growing up
alone...
this isnt the way i planned it
i was going somewhere too.
i was beyond
and this little
home
suddenly seems, way away from...
evveryone
and my livelyhood is
not...
running around
its...
staying around.
up and down everyday
and every sound
is little feet
pattering away
everyday
growing farther
and faster
and bigger
and farther
away.
away
from
me.

growing up
just
like
you

too.

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Date:2012-08-30 00:19
Subject:so, what is left for the mother?
Security:Public
Mood: gloomy

i create, endlessly
leaving little piles of artwork
and yarn
and books
and writtings
and drawings
and more
throughout the house

but there is no point to it

it feels like i am getting somehwere
sometimes
but inside,
somewhere in these deep caverns inside
i know
its meaningless

i ramble on
round and round in circles
trying to formulate an answer
trying to come up with a message that is worth
passing on
relaying
important enough to...
to...
be heard, and change lives.

i feel alone
all alone, not just in person
not just in the endlessness of spending every day
every waking moment
mothering 4 people
two of whom may never really
never really
love
me.

but also in the cold fact that
everything i believe
is chalanged
even
by
me.

i cannot escape this fate.
i cannot get out of this.
"you are my first attempt at mother"

i am headed down this path with a collection
i have a historian
i have a chef
i have a philospher
i have an interpreter
i have an artist
i have a psychiatrist
i have a poet
i have a manager
and
i am the teacher.
the mother.
i am bound to this new promise.

and i have no idea how to begin...

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Date:2012-07-01 22:22
Subject:and so
Security:Public
Mood: calm

and so, i cant smell but Rob just drove himself away from the couch with his gas. hes back. ok, i can kind of smell now. wow.

anyway ive been reading my old journal entries, from the beginning, and trying to let go of the past and the things ive held onto for so long.

i found out that i used to do a lot.

ive become afraid of my friends. no.

im afraid of everyone, i havent been the same sence i went crazy. and been a family. and stuff.

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Date:2012-05-22 22:14
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

family is:
business
responsibility
stressful
fun
fighting
laughing
loving
crying
lasting
trembling
screaming
whining
warming
loud
wild
chaotic
hugs
exuberance
tickling
anger
depression
helplessness
hope
support
critisism
trust
honesty
misery
tantrums
messy
cooperation
serious
goofy
farting
burping
polite
pushing
shoving
biting
hurting
helping
encouraging
defeating
relaxing
birthdays
holidays
forever
family is:
home

happy tenth birthday Nathanial!!!

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Date:2012-03-04 23:04
Subject:for a moment...
Security:Public
Mood: drained

for a moment
i was the mother
of one

one tiny girl
limp and staring into the world
somewhere else entirely

it wasnt a moment
i would ever choose
to experience
not.
once.

but 10 times, plus...

she is bruised, poked
she is scrached
she is like a living circut board, covered in little wires

she is strong, they tell me
she is exausted
and when she is at her best,
ive come to expect the worst.

those terrifing seconds,
when my child will not
cannot
respond,
isnt there inside herself

i swayed
i teetered, i sang to my son, i drew
as i waited for my baby
to come out of her MRI
to wake up from
anisteasia

this place will not defeat me.
do not hyperventelate
says my mom, before she leaves me
ok. i dont try to fight her,
absantly, almost as absant as her..
okay, i wont

and i realize that in the frenzy,
no one got her any balloons.

not yet.

...not yet, thats how much news we have
from all the tests.

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Date:2012-02-09 19:39
Subject:sureality
Security:Public
Mood: drained

I am at staples right now and im posting beause i like this funky keyboard, although im disalusioned by the state of things in the uneverse. im not suposed to talk about my feelings on the subject of world distruction... so im changing the subject.

five years ago, if someone was to tell my what was about to happen in my life, i wouldnt believe them.. there has always been a sort of sixth sence to it all in that i knew there were big plans for me, but... repeatedly now, ive gotten to this place in my life by making the same choice. to remain with Rob, and to love his children. things arnt easy.

life is constantly comming back at me. for example we are being draged into court again by a discontented mother and we just found out our truck is a lemon, and tax season and 14 years at taco bell leads to big depression and sexually... well...

but this... somehow, is the best choice i can make, and i see the future before me, and this is the only way to go, the only way for me. wonder where im headed next?

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Date:2011-11-24 15:39
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: sad

what is in a name?
what is in a word
does not a word have meaning?
meaning beyond all other words?
you have to feel real language, you have to have experience, relatable examples.
if not... there wouldnt be such a thing as culture shock.

today all over americe children woke to the smell of roasting turkey
sizzling onions, cranberry sause, stuffing mashed potatoes....
the familiar warm feeling of deep fall.
the warm cider, egg nog, the deep reds, oranges and browns...
except for my kids.

my kids woke to a day, just like any other... the feelings bearly in the background,
the color... in their name alone.
this is the torture of a split family.

always lingering in mind is the thought that whatever is happening, no matter where i am,
it will be cut short. that at some point i will have to leave, and pick up again where i left off with the other family. and what will happen there? and what will happen when i get back? and what am i missing while im away, and... am i missed?

YES! yes, damn it! nothing is complete without you in it! but also.... nothing is really complete with you here... you must never feel like a whole person, you must feel like.... you must hurt in ways i could never understand

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Date:2011-10-22 18:06
Subject:reaching forward
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

it is easy to see
when you watch
through my eyes
but wouldnt it work that way anyway?

the past dictates the future? they say
from 15 to 25
months

what happened to you then?

we are the products of what we cannot control

shame creates our compulsions.

question:
what is it that makes you react?
what is it that makes you crazy, obsessed and
what makes you attack?

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Date:2011-09-09 11:18
Subject:my son
Security:Public
Mood: chipper

my son just took his first steps!!! he walked about 4 feet across his aunts living room.

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Date:2011-09-09 11:10
Subject:the deal
Security:Public
Mood: tired

November's deal:

there is suposed to be an apointment today at 2 but i dont know if it is canceled because of the flooding

Due date: 21st of this month
Sceduled C-section: 15th of this month
Stipulations: upon ultrasound findings, if baby is breach we will be doing the sceduled C-section, if the baby is not breach (ie, head down) we will be waiting for normal labor to begin.
Goal: non-breach baby, normal delivery, on or after the 23rd of this month

Aiden update:

Aiden's first birthday is on sunday the 18th. he is over the 100th percentile in weight and hight for his age, and he wears 2 year old cloths. His 8th tooth just broke through and we are expecting molar teething soon, which means adding harder and more crunchy things to the vast amount of foods he already will eat (anything given to him). He is hansom and blond with curls developing in the back. He crawls and claps and points and says mama, mom and dada, dad clearly. He says more and block and book and Aiden and Alissa and Nathanial and a few other things but they arnt entirely understandable yet. He is learning to stand on his own and cant wait to start running around.

Alissa and Nathanial update:

on the 14th there is a court date for the apeal on the first court decision. our lawer is trying to get it thrown out of court for reasons. we should have a decision by november which means that everything will be settled and we can go ahead with the devorce procedings... however there is currently a CPS (Child Protective Services) investigation going on and if anything is founded against the mother and her choices there is a good chance of going back to family court before the devorce... all this stuff if scary and time consuming and confusing. we will continue to do the best thing for them regardless.

on the 7th they started school. they got out early on the first day because of the rain and flooding... they have not yet been back. their school is half covered in water! sooo... we arnt sure what will happen with that yet... we are currently in the hills at their aunt patty's house. our house isnt flooded but many places around us are. we will hopefully be going home later today.

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Date:2011-07-18 18:51
Subject:divorce
Security:Public
Mood: discontent

there is this wonderful thing now called uncontested divorce
married people who can agree that they just cant agree anymore can go through the process easily
and quickly, and you know, relatively cheaply

but...

even if that is a choice we can make, and it would seem reasonable
if we were dealing with a reasonable person
we have to be done with all other family court proceedings....

and that means waiting
for
a
very
long
time...

because what is more important?

do we let things go the way they are?

or try again to change them, when we know that...
matters wont be resolved for...
at least 2 more years...

there was a beginning in sight, there was wedding bells and flowers and rings and dancing in my eyes
but now all i can see is a blurry ending
to all this fighting

because what is more important?

my childrens safty and happiness and future

so....

my future













can wait.

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Date:2011-07-10 21:26
Subject:i feel
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated

i feel
captured

by your youth
by your love

captivated by the draw
of
your smile
your frown and whine

in love with
everything you are
everything you can be

when i get the eye rolls
or the half smiles
or the witty, off handed, oh come on comments
i say

"ive told you before and i tell you again, i have an uncontrolable urge to care for and protect you for as long as i live, and beyond."

there are many things i could say about how the Alissa and Nathanial are being treated and cared for this month with their mother, there are many things i could simply say about their mother

but i will leave it at this instead

change is on the horizon (again)
we do not accept half assed babysitters for our children
so why would we accept less than half assed parents???

they deserve the world and we intend to see that they get it.

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Date:2011-06-04 20:04
Subject:having a nice day
Security:Public
Mood: relaxed

today i got to relax at home with my family. i had a lovely time walking with my mom and Alissa while Aiden slept and Rob and Nathanial have been at home working on Nathanials homework and making wands. we are planning what should be an awesome Harry Potter themed birthday party at Greenwood. its nice to be able to slow down once and a while.

to Loni: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! im sorry i havent called you yet. with my life the way it is it is hard to find a great chunk of time to call you in although my mother just reminded me of the time zone difference so perhaps i will call you at night when its late for me but not so late for you. i was thinking the same thing about how i will have two babies the next time we see each other and we were both pregnant and making tie die tee shirts (which Aiden is able to wear now!)

saw brandon for the first time in over a year yesterday. i will have to comment on this more another time though. there is a lot to say and a lot of feelings to process as well.

thankyou for the name suggestions!

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